I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
