your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Two words: nipple clamps
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