I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
