Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
