Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Randomize
