I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
