I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
