apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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