I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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