im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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