If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
