I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
