That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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