Someone shit on the floor
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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