It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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