Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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