the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
this is an emotional support booty call
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
