I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
