update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
