I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
