my being single is dangerous.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
