got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
