A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
