the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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