Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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