who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
