I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
