I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
