she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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