I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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