Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
