how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
should my penis look like a turkey
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
