I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Houston, we have a blender
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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