i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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