my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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