I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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