both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
