i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
