drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
