Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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