forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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