The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
