Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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