Already got asked if we're dating
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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