this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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