he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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