So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
