Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
