Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Randomize
