Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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