he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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