I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
