i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
