remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
